Run.

Right now, I am already in Manila. I cannot believe that tomorrow is already our first day of classes. I mean 'their' first day in school. Unfortunately, almost half of our block was not able to get our GE subjects and I was unluckily one of those. So, tomorrow I had to be early in school just to be able to finish my registration. It’s already 11 o’clock in the evening and I'm still wide awake. Shishu's probably dreaming this moment.

Hover.

I just finished reading two of Paulo Coelho's novels. One is Eleven Minutes and the other is Veronica Decides to Die. Conspicuously, there is similarity between his two works. However, I did enjoy everything about it - the straightforwardness of the stories and the 'light' concealed in every line. Currently, I am reading Object of My Affection by Stephen McCauley. If truth be told, I was really not into reading novels. I just don't know why suddenly I felt like loving it. A bookworm? Nah. Nah. In fact, I would even study my lessons than waste my time comprehendingthose novels. Maybe, It is just summer and I had nothing else to do...

Fly.

"Nasasabik sa unang araw ng eskuwela..."

Well, that song absolutely does not fit me. I just finished my summer classes two or three weeks ago. I have not yet enjoyed my vacation. No out of town trips. No beaches. No sun and no tan this summer. It's just Malolos and Manila. Forlornly, I already have to go to school tomorrow. Hope I would have a wonderful year ahead of me.

12:04 am.

What does that mean?

Maybe, I have to go to sleep already. Hope I'd be fast asleep...

Bye.¦ ZzzzzzzZZz..

I just got a new blog makeover. Finally. Well, just like superman, I'd also return... bwahahaha.¦ whether you like it or not. (ew.. corny! haha) I'm just lovin' the new style of my blog. Seems bold? brave? serious? NO. It's just the design. I don't know what came in my mind why I chose this one.

Well, unlike superman, I'm not a man of steel or rather a woman of steel. I was always intransigent of the easy things, though knowing that the road that will lead to success is the narrow path. I keep trying to prove to myself how strong and indifferent I was, when, in fact, I was just a flimsy young woman. Only people closest to my heart knew who I really am or who I really have become (trina, aleli... if your reading this, thanks for being few of those). There were times that I felt I was sick of self-discipline, of apt behavior, of masks. Every so often, I have to pretend to be someone else just for people to appreciate me or for them not to think of the other lians. Her other side. What is it? Don't ask me.

I can't believe it. I never used to be like this. I never used to do such things. Not like that. There were times that I kept on telling myself that I already forgot him, that I'm completely over him. Maybe, I have just persuaded myself that I had. But I guess I'm wrong. The sadness would not just go away...

Here I go again... The heartbroken cum hopeless romantic cum illusionist cum a mascot-in-disguise. I know I hate pretensions but there were just times that I really had to be someone else. Weird as it may sound but that's what reality for me is. My friends keep on telling me things yet I know I won't learn by being told. I have to found the way out for myself... eventually.

Call it depression... Maybe I'm extremely disheartened with the past events that came to pass in my life.

"It hurts when I lost each of the various men i fell in love with." One line in Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho wherein I found myself somehow being able to relate to.

A dear friend once told me, "Ganun tlga ang buhay. We all get to be hurt by someone we love so much. Sometimes, indirectly, often destiny na ung ngdedecide. Like in my case. Pero we will certainly recover."

I'm really thankful to God for giving me friends like them. I know I couldn't ask for more. Up to now, It still vacillates me how God could answer so many prayers simultaneously. He really is good. For with every downtrodden moment in my life, I know for sure that at the end of the day, there'd also be one thing that I should look forward to. One thing that could put the smile back again in my face. Well, He is such a forgiving God too. For I know with the uncountable mistakes that I have done, in the end, He'd still be there and He'd forgive me.

While I was browsing the messages in my mobile phone, I came across with this text message. "Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else." Aaaaaw.. It absolutely did catch my attention.

BLah.. BLaH.. BlAh..

I don't know why I'm thinkin like this. I'm still young and there are so many things in this world to be happy about. My parents. My whole family. My friends. Hey, I'm in UP. Is that something to be happy about? Well, I'm just proud to be an iska. What else? Uhmm, I still do eat three times a day. I can have what I want. Almost. :)

Likewise, what saddens me excessively is the sad fact that my dad had to leave the country... again. I know I'm already used to be living without him. Ever since I was just a baby, my mother had to take the role of being a father. Yet every time we'd take my dad to the airport, I can't help but cry...

Right now, just allow me to deal with all these and leave you with words from one of the few authors I truly loved...

"If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then, I will either wait him or forget him... waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering." - Paulo Coelho

Friday, January 20, 2006

i am tired.

the week has been tough for me. eventhough we didn't have any long exams, i still felt tired. 5 more exams to go..

we did have our quiz in zoo lec today. our prof said it would be a long quiz. i really did review hard for that quiz because of course we all want to have a high score isn't it? i was just somehow depressed because the supposed to be "long" quiz was just a one question" quiz. that sucks isn't it? well, for me it really is. i just felt weak when i heard the question. i stored so many terms in my mind and yet it's just a one question quiz.. it was an essay type of quiz in a 1/4 sheet of paper. at first, we didn't seem to cooperate because we taught our professor was just joking that we'll just use that size of paper. i even prepared one whole sheet.. haha.. funny.. it even seemed my mind has flown somewhere. i don't want to sound mean but this is what just i feel.

well, past is past. i don't want to spoil my day just because of that dimunitive thing. nonetheless, my day was indeed a lot better. we didn't have a class in chem 14.1 which is 4-hour subject. Weee.. My blockmates and I just stayed in the library for our free time. We were suppose to study in our Zoo Lec quiz but we weren't able to. We just played a "weird" game wherein all i did was laugh. It was just a simple game yet really funny.

enough of that thing. eventhough it has been a tough week for me, i still felt happy because somehow i was able to relax a bit. well, i guess, the next weeks will be even tougher. five exams, one report plus a reaction paper. i just hope i'll be able to finish my reaction paper tonight.

right now, i'm listening to a song that just fits my mood lately..
Didn't mean to hurt you badly
Don't think that I am fooling around with you
So sorry for the time you've wasted on me
So sorry for the things that you went through
But I know that the problem's within me
You're so nice but your love don't deserve me
Or maybe I'm just so scared to fall in love again

I can still remember the days
So many times, I've been hurt
So much trust I put on a relationship
So much suffering I got and the pain still remain
Know I like you but I don't wanna take the risk
So confused and I don't know how to deal with it
Need some time for awhile before I give my heart away

CHORUS
Don't say goodbye
Don't say goodbye
I need some time for awhile before I give my heart away

Don't say goodbye
Don't say goodbye
I need some time for awhile before I give my heart away

Now, I know I wasn't thinking before
That's why I'm always ending up with Mr. Wrong
Learning from the past, don't wanna make a mistake
You could be Mr. Right or could be a fake
You know I like you but I don't wanna take the risk
So confused and I don't know how to deal with it
Need some time for awhile before I give my heart away

[[Walking Alone On This Endless Road]]*|11:00 PM|

Monday, January 02, 2006

remembering 2005

another year has passed. goodbye to 2005 and welcome 2006. haha. hope i would have a wondrous year ahead of me although feng shui said that it was not my year! but for the past months, i know i had the best! although there were some obstacles, i had managed to surpass them all. college life is bumpy yet i still enjoyed it. i enjoyed every obstacle that i went through. i learned how to live my life independently. i encountered different kinds of people. i gained friends. best of all, God wasn't anymore just a friend. He is already my best friend.

hmmn.. enough of that.. i know i'll surely miss the events/friends that came to pass and i know all those are truly moments worth reminiscing. Here's a list of some of it:

1. aleli who is currently staying in Japan

her laughs, stories, curly locks, corny jokes (yet still funny) are just some of things that reminds me of her. i badly miss u aleli. i'm looking forward to see you this coming april. hope we could hang-out like before. this time, in manila already! wuhoooo!! hehehe


2. . hsam and of course my hs barkada

my kada: yna, kat, wel, meg, leli, 3na and harney who is not included in the pic. although, we failed to have our get-together last xmas vacation because of busy schedules , hope this time we'll have time for more bonding.. miss you guys!!

plus: andreo, jeri, paula, alexis(?), reyvi, grace, neth, pat, jelenie, joan, borj, arnold and others. (sorry to those that i forgot to mention)


3. my blockmates and all the stuffs we did

i truly had fun all the time i'm with them. they made me laugh and even cry. we had adventures as well as misadventures. corregidor and taal are also full of excitement and pleasure. we did experience riding a boat, bus, jeep and others.. it was really fun! plus baseco, "star city", cas, gab, rh, oble and more...


4. night swimming with shunn(trina) and shishu(rachelle)

the cold water, the surreptitious chocolates plus others, bikinis(?), mp3's, midnight -all these and more jog my memory about our countless water adventures at the 7th floor (rob place)


5. block 2a semender at sun city, laguna

one thing that will be forever etched in my heart is this day. although we were just 5 and tears were shed (only mine) haha, i still enjoyed it. "sa susunod ulet!"


6. gk baseco

the kids, xmas party, ukay-ukay, 1 o'clock, sir dalet, jeep, thirty-pesos, wednesday's and more!! haha.. baseco.. baseco.. au revoir! bet that we'll be soon...


7. hong kong disneyland

lian with different disney characters
actually, this was not my first time in hong kong. i can still off pat mayble two or three years ago that it was the first time that our family went abroad altogether.. haha.. my mother did celebrate her birthday there. What hong kong was then is still hong kong today except for the fact that disneyland is already open and tito nat and shishu were with us.. it was really tiring yet fun and enjoy. my friend was with me which is something that i never thought would happen. i, myself did enjoy a lot at disneyland. i have met almost all the disney characters-mickey mouse, his partner minnie, donald and daisy duck, winnie the pooh, goofy, and more. name it and they have it.


8. christmas 2005

this year was a lot more different than the past year. we celebrated christmas at the new house of my tita. aaaargh.. [it's my dream to have a house like hers. even better. (in your dreams lian! haha) but i know someday i would. ] many were also present not like before. my cousins were all there. we ate food and exchange gifts soon after. i have received shirts, bags and undies(hehe).


9. chippy and chappy

these two cute little puppies were the babies of tito ogie and tita bing. it was funny that their teeth were even being brushed. they also have their own stuffs. they even sleep in an air-conditioned room! hehe.. how i wish i could have one.. hehe!!


10. clemente grand family reunion

it was the day after christmas, i haven't thought that our clan was as big as a school population.. waaaah.. each family has their own color for identification and ours was green.. hehe!! this was the first time my dad danced in front of a crowd. he, my kuya, (me) plus some of our other relatives dance to the tune of pinoy ako which was the theme song of pinoy big brother which was the task assigned to us. uhmm,, it was a whole lot fun plus i was able to interact with some of my cousins (? i'm not sure if they really are my cousins or what.. hehe) there were gift giving, plenty of performances from different families, parlor games, not to mention there were a lot of foods.. hehe

[[Walking Alone On This Endless Road]]*|9:53 AM|

Monday, October 24, 2005

[[The Smile Behind The Tears]]

The doctor's words ricocheted in my mind. "Ofelia's condition is getting worse each day. If ever she survives, she will be in a coma state. She has a week at most." Tears burned my eyes. I cannot move. I cannot have a word.

The winds blew hard on that dark, gloomy Thursday morning. I woke up early and headed on my way to school. From the front seat, I can hear the shrill voices of my servicemates rejoicing because of the storm. "Let's all hope that there'll be no classes." My school is not the kind that always suspends class just because of a storm. We will have our classes, unless the entire place is flooded. Eventually, we reached school. Our classes were not suspended and we will be having our periodical tests still.

I was not in my mood. I wasn't able to review well because I was certain that there will be no classes the next day but I was wrong. My day was filled with nuisance. I am not the same person they all used to see before. Something has been boggling in my mind since the crack of dawn. Even I do not know what it is.

Upon arriving home, obscurity filled the house. There were no lights. Nobody was there. A conspicuous note caught my eyes, "Mommy was brought in the hospital." I called my relatives right away. I asked them to fetch me at home. I wanted to go to the hospital. Immediately.

I glanced sideways at Mommy. Her head rested against the single bed. I studied her familiar features, so consoling; such a part of me. I could not imagine even a single day without her.

Mommy and I were the only persons in the ICU. Only a number of people were allowed inside the room and I had the chance to spend a moment with her. Only the two of us. She was in a state of unconsciousness. Despite that, I still talked to her. In my heart, I knew she can hear me.

"Mommy, you can't die. Hold on. Pity me," I pleaded at my mommy's bedside, as she lay with quite a few apparatus attached to her. This couldn't be happening. It was all so unreal. Just months ago she was very well and yet now here she was, days from death.

"Mommy, you still have to see me graduate. I wanted you to be the one who will receive my diploma, give me my medals. You're not done." Her hand moved. Tears suddenly fell from her eye. She could hear me, I know.

After a few, struggling days of agony, my mommy eventually passed away in the comfort of her little bed, in her own modest room at the ICU. After a poignant memorial service for my dearest mommy, memories of her whirled in my mind. I could see her infectious smile and feel the tenderness of her cuddles. I envisioned her in a cottony duster, cooking our meals and preparing my favourite food or in formal clothing headed on her way to the office. I can as well recall the nights when she came to tuck me in, even long after my childhood years. She'd always lean down and push my long hair out of the way, then kiss my forehead. She's such a sweet, gentle and compassionate mother.

But special memories couldn't just push away the obscurity of separation from one of the few women I truly loved.

Later that evening, while browsing some of my things, I found a pocket-sized book marked, "Lian's Autograph Book." I can still have off pat, it was the slum book I had kept as a naive child wherein only those closest to my heart can have their space in it. Meddlesome, I opened it.

Name: Ofelia Pangan

Birthday: January 5, 1946

Most Admired Celebrity: Nora Aunor

…and more

My moist eyes blurred as I read the first page. I can still remember that day, August 21, 1998. I asked mommy to write in my autograph book. It wasn't hard for her to be at my age, filling up questions only children had the fun of doing. But I didn't see her react with even an absurd matter. In fact, she took pleasure in answering all the questions.

Tears drowned me more when I leafed through the next two pages… "Lian Darling, I'm sure that if you become a lady, you'd be very smart because you have the talent, brain and beauty. I wish that your dreams will all come true. Don't change. Stay sweet as you are now. Love, Mommy Ofel." I clung to those words from my mommy whose gentle hand had always held mine.

In those moments of flipping through the slum book, far-fetched comfort was etched on the tedious canvas of my existence. It was such a bolt from the blue, somehow allowed by God that shed triumphant illumination on the shadows of my melancholy. I was able to walk on and move forward, covered by a new beacon of vigour.

*Ofelia Pangan is not my natal mother. I just call her my Mommy. She is the eldest sister of my biological mother whom I was left with whenever my real mother was away for work. She is like a second mom to me. My love for her and my mother is one and the same.

[[Walking Alone On This Endless Road]]*|10:54 AM|

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

[[seniors fight!!]]

well, i really don't have much time to update my blog site... too busy in school!!
anyway i just posted this pix taken a while ago during our practice.. :njoy!!


weeepeee seniors!!!


all smiles!!!

[[Walking Alone On This Endless Road]]*|7:21 PM|

Thursday, August 26, 2004

[[lian a.k.a. emily the strange]]

i really don't know why i became so hook with this not sOooo famous cartoon!!! is she really a cartoon huh?? i'm wonderin' hehehe... but her being strange really caught my eye.., that's why she's called EMILY THE STRANGE!! hmmmn,, if i cud just change her name,,, i would really make it LIAN THE STRANGE!! weird huh?? i dunno...


lian the strange

[[Walking Alone On This Endless Road]]*|1:40 PM|

Sunday, August 08, 2004

[[my barkada..]]

my barkada with aleli missing... hehehe...


trina, meg, yna, me, wel, kat at a.v.r. during the leadership training seminar




god loves you...

[[Walking Alone On This Endless Road]]*|9:26 AM|

[[three's a crowd]]

i really love my friends soo much especially my 2 closest buds... aleli and trina,, can't imagine life without them,,




keep on smiling...

[[Walking Alone On This Endless Road]]*|9:19 AM|

[[upcat!!]]

upcat,, upcat,, upcat,,,!!! we just had our mind boggling upcat yesterday,, grrr,, unfortunately,, i belong to the first batch... i woke up at 5:00 and i haven't had a good sleep.. i don't know why,, anyway,, upcat's really hard but it's not what i think of to be that hard.., juz said it because i guess i can only count in my fingers the numbers i had sure answers in the science part.,, how sad.. :(

keep on smiling.., Ü

[[Walking Alone On This Endless Road]]*|8:55 AM|

Monday, August 02, 2004

[[at last...]]

my birthday had passed and yet it's just now that i find time to write here and update my blog site..,, weehheee..,, it's just sad that i haven't shared with you what happened during those special events in my life.. maybe,, weeks will pass before i'll be able to write here again.. there's really so many things to do.. senior year is indeed the busiest year..! haaaaay,, just this morning.. when i woke up.,, i really can't help to have butterflies in my stomach.. why?? because i'll be reading something... uhmmm.. an introduction i guess,, in line with the celebration of Buwan ng Wika in front of thousands of people after our flag ceremony.. and after i have finished reading the introduction,, woolaah... they needed an emcee for the program,, and who else will they get?? me.. of course.., shux!! i don't know what to say.. really thank God for Mrs. Ortega,, our club moderator who's guiding me all throughout the program,, well,, it ended up successfully.. i guess.. hehehe..,, afterwards.., we already went back to our classroom and the butterflies still keep on flying in my stomach,,, 'coz today i'll be finding my luck i 'm gonna be chosen as one of the last 3 cheerleaders.. fortunately,, after some tiring dance practices.. charan...! hey.., i'm one of the chosen ones.. nyax..!! part of this,, of course.. i've got to be ready to face all the criticisms i'll be hearing from everyone.. haaay,, i can sense what they're gonna be saying.. just hope i'll be able to execute all the steps they're gonna teach us properly...,, this will be my first time... i just wish they'll give me a chance...

"Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and griefs which we endure help us in our marching onward. "
-- Henry Ford

[[Walking Alone On This Endless Road]]*|7:21 PM|

the wandering soul

Name: marilet lian buenaventura caluag
Bday: july 21 1988
Age: 17
Nicks: lian, peewee, shunn
Skool: university of the philippines manila

About Me:
half-introvert half-extrovert, photojournalist, doctor in the making, iskolar ng bayan, computer buff, CYAer, pretty soft-hearted person, mickey mouse enthusiast, chocolate lover, pink nut, gadget geek wannabe, smallville/superman freak

her wonderland

Food: brocolli, pizza, carbonara, baked ziti, TIMEOUT, barnone
Drinks: fruit shakes, coffee jelly frap
Interests: blogging, photography, badminton, swimming, anatomy, superman, ashton kutcher, tom welling, kristin kreuk, SWITCHFOOT, chocolate, fraps, smallville, music,pink tulips and stargazers, color PINK, mickey mouse

her treasures

www.flickr.com

This is a Flickr badge showing public photos from peewee_kew198. Make your own badge here.

her darLINKS

|bio Y! group|
|bio multiply|
|my photo gallery|


her wishlist

|an apple macbook pro|
|an ipod|
|more havaianas|
a new mobile phone
a cute lil pup
a 3-bedroom condo of my own (haha)
metallic pink car

the past doodles

|07/04|08/04|09/04|10/05|01/06

the whispers

other souls to read

|lucky prado|
|chelle|
|wueLLy|
|ralph|
|vika|
|aLa-ism|

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